Today was hard. Very hard. At the same time, I realized how much I depend on food because of today. Work was difficult today. Things are not happening like I was promised they would. For the second time in six months, I've basically been ignored as an employee, yet am still expected to do the work of a professional. So, long story short, I had a horrible day at work.
Normally, when I am angry, upset, frustrated, hurt, or any other negative feeling, I eat. I think that to some extent, that's why I look the way I do today. Eating food made me feel better. That's why today was so tough. I needed something to make me feel good, and I couldn't use food. I couldn't. This weight loss goal is more important to my livelihood. I have to find something else to use to deal with these emotions. That will be something else for me to do, but I have to do it. I know many people don't read this, but if you do, and you have anything good, let me know what you do.
But, on another front. I weighed in today, and I am down 10 pounds. I'm pleased with that. Very pleased.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Self Control
That's been a big part of why I am here today. I had a lack of it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I ate with reckless abandonment. If I wanted it, I had it. There was some thought about what it was doing to my body, but that thought then would say, "Oh well."
Well last night I exhibited a bit of self control. I left work around 6:30 PM and was starving. This was a strong hunger. I couldn't quit thinking about food. I decided I had to go to Wal-Mart because I was out of food at the apartment. While I was in there, I saw so many things I wanted--pizza, polish sausages, hoagie sandwiches, potato salad--all things I love but that are horrible for me. I watched as my mind played this game, telling me, "Come on, you deserve one of those. You had a rough day today. It won't mess up your diet that much. You can start over tomorrow." I almost gave in. But I didn't. If this is going to be a reality, I have to answer that way almost every single time. I realize that there are going to be days where my only option is a greasy burger or a greasy chicken sandwich. When that happens, I'll make up for it. However, when those aren't my only two options, I have to go with what is best for me. My future is on the line, and I just have to realize that whenever those unhealthy thoughts go through my mind. So, I would say there was a bit of progress, but I've only just begun.
Well last night I exhibited a bit of self control. I left work around 6:30 PM and was starving. This was a strong hunger. I couldn't quit thinking about food. I decided I had to go to Wal-Mart because I was out of food at the apartment. While I was in there, I saw so many things I wanted--pizza, polish sausages, hoagie sandwiches, potato salad--all things I love but that are horrible for me. I watched as my mind played this game, telling me, "Come on, you deserve one of those. You had a rough day today. It won't mess up your diet that much. You can start over tomorrow." I almost gave in. But I didn't. If this is going to be a reality, I have to answer that way almost every single time. I realize that there are going to be days where my only option is a greasy burger or a greasy chicken sandwich. When that happens, I'll make up for it. However, when those aren't my only two options, I have to go with what is best for me. My future is on the line, and I just have to realize that whenever those unhealthy thoughts go through my mind. So, I would say there was a bit of progress, but I've only just begun.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Do Over
That's right. I'm asking God for a do-over. I am restarting my goal to lose 150 pounds in two years. It's lofty, but I was on my way last time. Last time, I failed. I cannot do that this time. I won't do that this time. It's time to start. I have the knapsack on my back and I'm starting the climb today.
For an excellent read, skip to the post below.
For an excellent read, skip to the post below.
This is an Awesome Article
I am going to use the thing below to restart my climb to the top of Mount Everest. It's so true. It's time to restart this and be serious. No excuses.
- - - - -
Warning: I used to be fat. I'm not anymore. I used to be weak. I'm not now. I used to make excuses. I stopped. What you're about to read is offensive and hurtful, especially if you're overweight. I. Don't. Care. I can say whatever I want about fat people because I used to be one of them. I've earned that right. If you think I've stepped over the line, then please, wipe the chocolate off your mouth, pucker up, and kiss my formerly fat ass. Really. An open letter to pathetic fat people: Dear Fatty, It's over. No more pity. I've spent years now trying to help you by writing diets, creating workouts, and doing my best to offer inspiration. I'm through with it. Either you want to change or you don't. If you want to be obese, fine, wallow in it, but please shut the fuck up about it and stop whining. I'm sick, sick, sick to death of hearing you bawl about how you've "tried everything to lose weight." Horse shit! When pressed about the details, the truth always comes out: "Oh, I tried fasting, Slim Fast, the 48-Hour Hollywood Miracle diet, the Ab Blaster 5000, the cabbage soup diet, blah, blah, blah..." Hey, Wide Load, ever try a real exercise program and a real, sensible diet? Ever try the Stop-Eating-Fucking-Oreos Diet? How about the Stop-Eating-Shit-You-Know-Is-Bad-For-You Plan? I hear that works. Ever try being consistent for more than three days? "Oh, I've tried everything." Noooooo, you starved for six days, then ate a bucket of ice cream and cried. Why don't you eat healthy for six months and do some exercises besides laps between the couch and the kitchen? Bet you haven't tried that. Yeah, you've tried everything. Every stupid fucking thing you could find except actual healthy eating and exercise. I'm becoming the Anti-Richard Simmons. I'm not going to crawl into bed with you where you've been lying for four months in a puddle of piss and cry with you like that pansy does. I'm going to tip that comfortable coffin over and let you burn a few hundred calories trying to get up. You want some McNuggets and a Pespi, you self-destructive, excuse-making sack of lard? Fine, you can have it if you waddle your supersized ass down the road to McDonalds. And what's with the gastric-bypass surgeries? This is nothing more than surgically induced anorexia for people who lack the willpower to become real anorexics. I have much more respect for the anorexics. At least they have a sense of self-control. Their self-discipline may be misdirected, but dammit, at least they have some! The only thing worse than you self-delusional "I've tried everything" fatties are the ones who demand they not be treated any differently than non-fatties. Sorry, that's like walking around the mall with a four-foot green mohawk and getting pissed when people stare at you or treat you differently. What did you expect? Newsflash: You're not normal. You're not normal because of the choices you've made. Don't expect to be treated as a normal human being when you're not. What's perfectly normal is when people are repelled by your obesity. Sorry, you may have the "right" to be a fat ass, but the rest of us have the "right" to be sick to our stomachs looking at you. Listen, tubby, you don't need "acceptance." That's just a nice word for enablement. Hey, if you can have a "fat acceptance" activist group (although "active" may be the wrong root word here) then maybe the child molesters, booze hounds, and crackheads should have acceptance groups too? Why should poor, mistreated crack addicts have to be subjected to discrimination by fascists employers who insist on firing them for stealing company funds to buy drugs and then not showing up for work? That's just wrong! Crackheads should just be "accepted." And those priests who rape little boys? Just accept them! This is America! Nope, ain't gonna happen, fatty. You can bet your favorite reinforced sofa on it. When my daughter points out a disgusting pile of corpulence riding a motorized cart around the grocery store, I'm supposed to tell her that it's impolite to point, that people come in all sizes and that fat is beautiful. Um, no. Again, that's enablement. It's also lying to children. Both bad. I propose we all point and laugh at fat people like you, especially if you're riding a motorized cart around the grocery store buying junk food. Allow me to offer suggestions for verbal commentary: "Hey, look at that enormous fucking whale on the scooter! Jesus Jumpin' Christ, that's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! I don't know whether to laugh or puke! Look kids, that's what happens when you can't control yourself. That's why Daddy encourages you to be active and not eat too much candy. Goddammit, let's go workout right now until that disturbing fucking mental image is erased from our minds!" Maybe this will encourage you to do something. If not, then maybe you'll at least stay the fuck at home and not role model that behavior to our kids. Sociologists tell us that fat people are looked down upon because humans instinctively think that being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self-control. You know why people think that? Because being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self control! Medical condition? It's the dance of chicken and egg, lard ass. Genetics? Maybe genetics loaded the gun, but you pulled the fucking trigger and reloaded twice. You should feel bad. You should be embarrassed. You should be discriminated against. You should have to pay for two seats on an airplane. In fact, if I have to sit beside you, you should pay for mine too because I have to sit there and look at your arm flab hanging off the armrest into my lap! Fuck me, you owe me money for the therapy I'll need because of that plane ride! Acceptance? Sure, accept that your obesity has lead to a destructive form of denial and you're going to die because of it. Accept your own fucking early death and miserable life and get off my TV with your whining. And face it, you do want to die. You're committing a form of protracted suicide right now. But can you do the tax payers a favor and speed things up? You know, before you destroy the healthcare system? And please, none of that cry-for-help crap either. If you're going to kill yourself, do it with enthusiasm, like you're eating a box of Twinkies. Love and kisses, Chris Shugart
From: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_forum/diet_blog_hammer_velocity_shugart/die_fatty_die
- - - - -
Warning: I used to be fat. I'm not anymore. I used to be weak. I'm not now. I used to make excuses. I stopped. What you're about to read is offensive and hurtful, especially if you're overweight. I. Don't. Care. I can say whatever I want about fat people because I used to be one of them. I've earned that right. If you think I've stepped over the line, then please, wipe the chocolate off your mouth, pucker up, and kiss my formerly fat ass. Really. An open letter to pathetic fat people: Dear Fatty, It's over. No more pity. I've spent years now trying to help you by writing diets, creating workouts, and doing my best to offer inspiration. I'm through with it. Either you want to change or you don't. If you want to be obese, fine, wallow in it, but please shut the fuck up about it and stop whining. I'm sick, sick, sick to death of hearing you bawl about how you've "tried everything to lose weight." Horse shit! When pressed about the details, the truth always comes out: "Oh, I tried fasting, Slim Fast, the 48-Hour Hollywood Miracle diet, the Ab Blaster 5000, the cabbage soup diet, blah, blah, blah..." Hey, Wide Load, ever try a real exercise program and a real, sensible diet? Ever try the Stop-Eating-Fucking-Oreos Diet? How about the Stop-Eating-Shit-You-Know-Is-Bad-For-You Plan? I hear that works. Ever try being consistent for more than three days? "Oh, I've tried everything." Noooooo, you starved for six days, then ate a bucket of ice cream and cried. Why don't you eat healthy for six months and do some exercises besides laps between the couch and the kitchen? Bet you haven't tried that. Yeah, you've tried everything. Every stupid fucking thing you could find except actual healthy eating and exercise. I'm becoming the Anti-Richard Simmons. I'm not going to crawl into bed with you where you've been lying for four months in a puddle of piss and cry with you like that pansy does. I'm going to tip that comfortable coffin over and let you burn a few hundred calories trying to get up. You want some McNuggets and a Pespi, you self-destructive, excuse-making sack of lard? Fine, you can have it if you waddle your supersized ass down the road to McDonalds. And what's with the gastric-bypass surgeries? This is nothing more than surgically induced anorexia for people who lack the willpower to become real anorexics. I have much more respect for the anorexics. At least they have a sense of self-control. Their self-discipline may be misdirected, but dammit, at least they have some! The only thing worse than you self-delusional "I've tried everything" fatties are the ones who demand they not be treated any differently than non-fatties. Sorry, that's like walking around the mall with a four-foot green mohawk and getting pissed when people stare at you or treat you differently. What did you expect? Newsflash: You're not normal. You're not normal because of the choices you've made. Don't expect to be treated as a normal human being when you're not. What's perfectly normal is when people are repelled by your obesity. Sorry, you may have the "right" to be a fat ass, but the rest of us have the "right" to be sick to our stomachs looking at you. Listen, tubby, you don't need "acceptance." That's just a nice word for enablement. Hey, if you can have a "fat acceptance" activist group (although "active" may be the wrong root word here) then maybe the child molesters, booze hounds, and crackheads should have acceptance groups too? Why should poor, mistreated crack addicts have to be subjected to discrimination by fascists employers who insist on firing them for stealing company funds to buy drugs and then not showing up for work? That's just wrong! Crackheads should just be "accepted." And those priests who rape little boys? Just accept them! This is America! Nope, ain't gonna happen, fatty. You can bet your favorite reinforced sofa on it. When my daughter points out a disgusting pile of corpulence riding a motorized cart around the grocery store, I'm supposed to tell her that it's impolite to point, that people come in all sizes and that fat is beautiful. Um, no. Again, that's enablement. It's also lying to children. Both bad. I propose we all point and laugh at fat people like you, especially if you're riding a motorized cart around the grocery store buying junk food. Allow me to offer suggestions for verbal commentary: "Hey, look at that enormous fucking whale on the scooter! Jesus Jumpin' Christ, that's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! I don't know whether to laugh or puke! Look kids, that's what happens when you can't control yourself. That's why Daddy encourages you to be active and not eat too much candy. Goddammit, let's go workout right now until that disturbing fucking mental image is erased from our minds!" Maybe this will encourage you to do something. If not, then maybe you'll at least stay the fuck at home and not role model that behavior to our kids. Sociologists tell us that fat people are looked down upon because humans instinctively think that being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self-control. You know why people think that? Because being overweight is a sign of laziness and lack of self control! Medical condition? It's the dance of chicken and egg, lard ass. Genetics? Maybe genetics loaded the gun, but you pulled the fucking trigger and reloaded twice. You should feel bad. You should be embarrassed. You should be discriminated against. You should have to pay for two seats on an airplane. In fact, if I have to sit beside you, you should pay for mine too because I have to sit there and look at your arm flab hanging off the armrest into my lap! Fuck me, you owe me money for the therapy I'll need because of that plane ride! Acceptance? Sure, accept that your obesity has lead to a destructive form of denial and you're going to die because of it. Accept your own fucking early death and miserable life and get off my TV with your whining. And face it, you do want to die. You're committing a form of protracted suicide right now. But can you do the tax payers a favor and speed things up? You know, before you destroy the healthcare system? And please, none of that cry-for-help crap either. If you're going to kill yourself, do it with enthusiasm, like you're eating a box of Twinkies. Love and kisses, Chris Shugart
From: http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_forum/diet_blog_hammer_velocity_shugart/die_fatty_die
Sunday, April 22, 2007
it's been two months...
...and I am still going. I'm maintaining my weight loss. I'm at about 30 pounds down, depending on the day. I fluctuate anywhere from 25 to 35 down. The best news is that I have now broken the 30 pound weight loss barrier.
Still, I have not began a regular exercise plan. I really need to, but I am happy with what I have accomplished just by carefully monitoring my diet. I really need to focus on this. This will be the next step in reaching my goal. I think it will become more of a reality now that I will have a normal life.
My weight has caused me to suffer from some minor health problems already. It has made me spend more money on clothes and food. It has made me struggle with confidence in myself (although I still am pretty confident). It makes me sweat and feel pretty gross about myself. It's time, and I am still going. I might be moving a little slower than what I had hoped, but I am still working and my goal of 150lbs down in two years is still are reality.
Right now, I'll set another lofty goal for myself: 50 pounds by September 1. If I reach this goal, I'll be down 80 pounds. That means I'll only have to lose 70lbs in 16 months for me to reach my goal of 150lbs down in two years.
Still, I have not began a regular exercise plan. I really need to, but I am happy with what I have accomplished just by carefully monitoring my diet. I really need to focus on this. This will be the next step in reaching my goal. I think it will become more of a reality now that I will have a normal life.
My weight has caused me to suffer from some minor health problems already. It has made me spend more money on clothes and food. It has made me struggle with confidence in myself (although I still am pretty confident). It makes me sweat and feel pretty gross about myself. It's time, and I am still going. I might be moving a little slower than what I had hoped, but I am still working and my goal of 150lbs down in two years is still are reality.
Right now, I'll set another lofty goal for myself: 50 pounds by September 1. If I reach this goal, I'll be down 80 pounds. That means I'll only have to lose 70lbs in 16 months for me to reach my goal of 150lbs down in two years.
Monday, February 26, 2007
What being fat means to me.
It means:
-I am very prone to break chairs and other furniture.
-I have to worry about traveling in airplanes--will I fit in the seat? will the seatbelt fit?.
-I don't even think about going on amusement park rides.
-I get hot, when it is 70 degrees.
-I sweat profusely when I get hot.
-I sometimes have to order clothes online.
-I have to spend more on clothes usually.
-I don't take off my shirt because my body is gross, so I don't swim or go hot tubbing.
-I have to pay a lot for groceries.
-I know people stare at me and can't believe it.
These are just some of the things that being fat means to mean. I don't know why I have put up with this shit for so long. I am ready for this change.
-I am very prone to break chairs and other furniture.
-I have to worry about traveling in airplanes--will I fit in the seat? will the seatbelt fit?.
-I don't even think about going on amusement park rides.
-I get hot, when it is 70 degrees.
-I sweat profusely when I get hot.
-I sometimes have to order clothes online.
-I have to spend more on clothes usually.
-I don't take off my shirt because my body is gross, so I don't swim or go hot tubbing.
-I have to pay a lot for groceries.
-I know people stare at me and can't believe it.
These are just some of the things that being fat means to mean. I don't know why I have put up with this shit for so long. I am ready for this change.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Off the Wagon
So, I'm off the wagon. I have been almost this whole week. I've been eating healthy foods, just large quantities of them. I don't know what caused this, but if I had to guess, I would suppose it would be the stress of the brief being due and the going home and all that. Who knows.
If I want to be successful, I need to quit this. I can. I will.
On a more positive note, a year ago, when I had not become committed to become a healthier and better person, I would have been completely gone off the wagon. I would have been eating McDonald's and ordering pizza. I was tempted to this weekend. I had acutually picked out what pizza I was going to order, but I resisted. I didn't want to mess this up. Although it seems like a small sacrifice, it really was a huge step toward succeeding at my goal. I'm not going to be deterred. And if I am going to binge, it's going to be on healthy food. That has to be better.
Tomorrow, I start exercising. I'm going to go to the gym, or I am simply going to walk. It all depends on when I wake up. But I am going to do it. That is the most important thing, and it should help things out.
150 pounds is still my goal. I can really do this. I've reached a pothole in the road, but I refuse to let it become a cliff that I just jump off of. I'm going to keep going. It will get me a tattoo, but it will also get me a better life. I can picture it now and I am excited.
If I want to be successful, I need to quit this. I can. I will.
On a more positive note, a year ago, when I had not become committed to become a healthier and better person, I would have been completely gone off the wagon. I would have been eating McDonald's and ordering pizza. I was tempted to this weekend. I had acutually picked out what pizza I was going to order, but I resisted. I didn't want to mess this up. Although it seems like a small sacrifice, it really was a huge step toward succeeding at my goal. I'm not going to be deterred. And if I am going to binge, it's going to be on healthy food. That has to be better.
Tomorrow, I start exercising. I'm going to go to the gym, or I am simply going to walk. It all depends on when I wake up. But I am going to do it. That is the most important thing, and it should help things out.
150 pounds is still my goal. I can really do this. I've reached a pothole in the road, but I refuse to let it become a cliff that I just jump off of. I'm going to keep going. It will get me a tattoo, but it will also get me a better life. I can picture it now and I am excited.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Almost like a roller coaster
After Steve's party and the Super Bowl, I whopped on about 5-10 pounds. I ate everything I saw. This week, I have been pretty good and making sure I stay right at my points, and as of this morning, I had lost 15 pounds, for a total of 25 pounds from when I started. This is progress.
Once I get done with my brief and get back from Omaha, I'm going to really focus on an exercise program. This will be the best medicine to curing my disease.
On a side note, I think if I get into good shape, I'm going to get a tattoo. I don't know what of or where, but I think I'm going to get one. Why? I don't know. I just never have done something like that before, and if I am living a new life, maybe I can do that too. That's probably about a year away, so I might change my mind. Who the hell knows...
Thanks for everyone's support and keep filling me full of ideas.
Once I get done with my brief and get back from Omaha, I'm going to really focus on an exercise program. This will be the best medicine to curing my disease.
On a side note, I think if I get into good shape, I'm going to get a tattoo. I don't know what of or where, but I think I'm going to get one. Why? I don't know. I just never have done something like that before, and if I am living a new life, maybe I can do that too. That's probably about a year away, so I might change my mind. Who the hell knows...
Thanks for everyone's support and keep filling me full of ideas.
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